Last week Patti and I were looking after our granddaughters while Mom and Dad were away. We practiced going out for Halloween. After walking around the neighbourhood looking at the amazing variety of decorations in front yards, we had them ring the doorbell at their house to do a dry run for October 31. Patti answered the door and gave them some treats. We wanted to teach the two- and four-year-old some Halloween etiquette. Be respectful. Be courteous. Say thank you.
The dictionary defines etiquette as the conduct or procedure required by good breeding or prescribed by authority to be observed in social or official life. I would use the term to prescribe a proper and polite way to speak and behave. But who sets such standards? Emily Post (1872-1960) was referenced by many but in our current social climate which advocates ‘do whatever you think is right,’ etiquette seems to be out of fashion and ‘going against the grain.’ With the emphasis on individual rights trumping all else, etiquette becomes difficult to accept or do because it might conflict with one’s own ideas, beliefs, or principles. I still believe it is important to teach children and practice good etiquette ourselves.
The French word étiquette derives from Old French estiquette meaning ticket, referring to a label attached to something for description or identification. Spaniards of the 16th century adopted the French word, altering it to etiqueta, and used it to refer to the written protocols describing the behaviour demanded of those who appeared at court. Eventually, etiqueta came to be applied to the court ceremonies themselves as well as to the documents which outlined their requirements. The French then expanded estiquette (eventually dropping the ‘s’) to indicate what is labelled as proper behaviour at the French court. By the middle of the 18th century English speakers started using etiquette, applying it to the rules that indicate the proper way to behave, whether in the presence of royalty or not.
Over the years many books have been written about etiquette. In The Book of Good Manners: A Guide to Polite Usage for All Social Functions (1923), Frederick Martens dispenses a good deal of advice on which words and phrases are to be avoided by those who would appear well-bred in their conversations. The book contains several pages of lists, in columns of correct and incorrect.
One hundred years later books are still being published on etiquette. Modern Etiquette for Dummies by Sue Fox was published in 2022. Elizabeth Cole wrote My Way to Good Manners in 2023 as a teaching tool to help children learn social skills, respect, and kindness, for ages 3 to 10. Rebecca Black and Walker Black have published numerous books on etiquette, from electronic etiquette to sushi etiquette to table manners for children.
Hugh Halter encourages people to rediscover the ancient art of party etiquette in Happy Hour Etiquette and Advice on Holy Merriment (2023). Halter proposed people follow the patterns of Jesus in a holy engagement with the world. People should reorient lives around friends, food, and celebration with etiquette that could have a good influence upon the culture.
Sadly, incivility seems to be on the rise. Fights on social media, bullying in the classroom, physical attacks airport employees, commuters wild with road rage, even grocery store outbursts have been well documented. It often comes down to disrespectful attitudes and behaviours that others react to, says Joseph Shrand, MD, instructor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. “When one person is rude to another, the other person often responds in kind,” he explains. He says much of what's occurring in the world today can be fixed by getting back to "the lost art of manners" and showing one another more kindness and understanding. "When is the last time you got angry at someone treating you with respect?" he asks.
The art of teaching etiquette is almost becoming extinct. Fewer and fewer families spend time teaching etiquette. Amid a flurry of bustling schedules, parents must work hard to carve out time for etiquette training. It is a challenge to make it a priority.
Daryl Austin in Forbes (May 2023) writes that ‘Manners Coach’ and author Brooke Romney has noticed that many parents struggle to find the time or know how to teach manners in the home, so she created a tool to help. Her book, 52 Modern Manners for Today’s Teens, teaches parents and children specific etiquette to review and practice together as a family.
Such manners include teaching kids how to introduce themselves to others, pitching in when food is being prepared or cleaned up, learning how to be a good passenger when getting a ride, the art of speaking with confidence, why holding doors open still matters, how to foster trustworthiness, proper restaurant etiquette, being a good listener, practicing inclusivity, how to be a good house guest, advocating for others, how to be on time, the importance of respecting the property of others, and the art of declining kindly, among many others.
I am still trying to figure out if it is still proper etiquette to hold a door open for a lady?
John would like to know if anyone has a sincere interest in a relevant word that he could possibly research for an upcoming column. If so, please send your requests to wordwisdom2021@gmail.com. Words will be selected according to relevance and research criteria. We cannot confirm that all words will be used.
The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author, and do not necessarily reflect the position of this publication.
