Part two (July through December, 2020):
- RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “Reuters reports a British man spent five years building a high-performance vehicle from scratch, despite being blind. So what’s the NY Knicks’ excuse?”
- Public-service tweet from Ottawa Public Health: “We admit, sometimes wearing a mask in public isn’t the most fashionable or comfortable choice. But some people wear Leafs jerseys, so yeah. Just saying.”
- Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: “Sheila Ford Hamp, 69, has replaced her mother, 94-year-old Martha Firestone Ford, as Detroit Lions owner and chairperson. In other words, the Lions traded in their 1925 Ford for a 1951 model.”
- Patti Dawn Swansson, aka the River City Renegade, on attempts by major league sports to resume playing: “I’m more excited to see toilet paper back on the shelves than shinny on the ice, hoops on the hardwood and rounders in the ballyard.”
- Headline in TheOnion.com: “Washington Redskins Change Their Name To The D.C. Redskins”
- Headline at abcnews.com: “(Redskins owner) Daniel Snyder realizes he really likes money and will look into changing his team’s name.”
- Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com, on QB Bobby Layne putting a curse on the Lions when they traded him following their 1957 title season, vowing they wouldn’t win another one for 50 years: “He underestimated the ineptitude of the franchise.”
- Comedy writer Brad Dickson of Omaha, on Nebraska Cornhusker football fans: “There's something seriously wrong with people who will wear a rubber corncob head on their noggin but won't be seen in public in a Covid mask.”
- Baseball writer Buster Olney of ESPN, on Dr. Anthony Fauci’s wild ceremonial first pitch to start the MLB season: “A socially distant first pitch.”
- Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “Effective immediately, Washington will call itself the Washington Football Team. Apparently the name ‘We Can't Think of Anything Else’ was already taken.”
- Sean McIndoe, in the Athletic, surmising how a decision may have been made about how the Columbus Blue Jackets were named: “As if a toddler was asked to name a team based on the first thing he saw on the floor in his front hallway.”
- RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “The Jays released left-handed reliever Marc Rzepczynski. He was hampered by a high pitch count and a low vowel count.”
- From the Seattle Kraken Twitter feed: “Fun fact: We are the only team that Connor McDavid has not scored against.”
- Craig Calcaterra of NBCsports.com, via Twitter, on Nationals catcher Tres Barrera’s 80-game suspension for testing positive for Dehydrochlormethyltestosterone: “If he can spell it on the first try, they should reduce his suspension to 40 games.”
- Tim Hunter of Everett’s KRKO Radio, on other COVID-19 victims, Big Ten and Pac-12 football: “I’m waiting for the leaves to announce they’re not turning colour this year.”
- Another one from Alex Kaseberg: “The city of Los Angeles is going to name a street after Kobe Bryant. It will be like any other street except you are not allowed to pass on it.”
- Comedy writer Brad Dickson of Omaha: “On the news tonight all they talked about were boycotts, protests, riots, violence, dissension, disease, lawsuits and court cases. And that was just the sportscast.”
- Patti Dawn Swansson again, after Saskatchewan premier Scott Moe declared Sept. 6 to be Roughriders’ Day across the province and for everyone to wear green and white: “A melonhead needs urging to wear green and white like a priest needs a reminder to say prayers on Sunday.”
- Headline in the New York Daily News: “Normalcy in 2020 at last ... Jets remain Jets!”
- Sign of the times, from Dwight Perry: “Banner towed behind an airplane above Dodger Stadium when Houston paid a recent visit: “Hey, Astr*s, try stealing this sign!”
- Joel Beall of GolfWorld, on Matthew Wolff shooting a third-round 65 at Winged Foot during the third round of the U.S.Open. “He did so hitting from spots requiring a compass rather than a yardage book, needing a weedwacker instead of a wedge.”
- Brad Dickson again: “In Nebraska high school football Franklin defeated Elba by a score of 60-6. The Elba coach said his players could've come back from such a deficit if only they were playing the Atlanta Falcons.”
- Boxer Gerald Meerschaert, who lost his last fight in 17 seconds, on Twitter while watching the Trump-Biden debate: “I wish this debate lasted as long as my last fight.”
- Dwight Perry again: “The Yankees — for the first time in their 120-year history — hit into five double plays and committed four errors in the same game in a 4-3, 10-inning loss to the Marlins. Or as the 1962 Mets used to call such an occurrence, Friday.”
- RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “The Nebraska State Fair broke a record for the longest parade of old tractors when over 1,100 showed up. In Canada, that's just part of the last-minute Labour Day crowd at Mosaic Stadium.”
- Patti Dawn Swansson again: “I think (Jets’ Blake) Wheeler is still a useful player, but a year from now he’ll be slower than a sports writer reaching for the bar tab.”
- Reader Steven S., responding to Sean McIndoe’s TheAthletic.com story on the 1977 NHL draft, where it was pointed out Larry Robinson’s brother Moe was drafted by the Habs in the third round: “I think the big question is who drafted Curly Robinson?” Reader Tim M. countered with: “I could have sworn he played for the Canyuk-nyuk-nyuks.”
- @rslashpatriots, via Twitter: “The Jets are 750:1 to win the Super Bowl, meaning if you bet $100 on it, you would lose $100.”
- Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun: “Leafs have signed Joe Thornton. They're aiming to win the 2012 Stanley Cup.”
- Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: “Provincial authorities have told the Ontario Hockey League that if it wants to play amid a pandemic this season that it will have to ban bodychecking and fighting. In a related story, Don Cherry’s head just exploded.”
- Michael Farber of si.com, on Twitter: “Watching a parade from the bullpen early in a 1-0 World Series game is as entertaining as watching Bryson DeChambeau check his notes.”
- Another one from Alex Kaseberg: “Federal agents are questioning USC football players in connection to a fraud investigation. And the penalties could be stiff. Some of the players may be forced to attend classes.”
- Fark.com: “Jimmy Kimmel to Clayton Kershaw and Cody Bellinger: ‘Was it easier to win the World Series when the other team wasn’t cheating?’”
- Conor Russell, head pro at Portmarnock in Ireland, on public opposition to the government declaring a six-week ban on golf to help fight COVID-19: .”At end-of-day (petitions) could be as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike.”
- Alex Kaseberg again: “The New York Jets are going to follow Donald Trump's lead and are going to sue all 16 teams that beat them.”
- Headline at @NotSportsCenter: “Report: Trevor Lawrence says his doctors have told him he’ll be cleared from COVID to play football again as soon as the Jets draft another QB.”
- Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun: “History and irony: The mayor of Montreal is calling for all the citizens to wear masks. Her name is Plante.”
- Patriots QB Cam Newton, to reporters, on his dietary habits: “Just because I’m vegan doesn’t mean I just go outside and pick up grass and, you know, put ranch on it. … I still love good food.”
- Charles Barkley, on trying hypnotism to help correct his funky, hitchy golf swing: “All I got was a good nap. I woke up with the same crappy swing.”
- Sign in front of a church in Winnipeg: “Wear a mask. It’s not like we’re asking you to wear a Riders’ jersey.”
- Saints coach Sean Payton, after his team’s 31-3 win over hometown Denver Broncos, who played the NFL game without a legitimate quarterback, thanks to COVID-19: “I felt bad for the cardboard fans.”
Care to comment? Email brucepenton2003@yahoo.ca
The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author, and do not necessarily reflect the position of this publication.
