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The best quips and quotes from 2019

Columnist Bruce Penton looks back on the best one-liners from the first-half of 2019
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Part 1 (January through June) of the annual review of the year’s best quips, quotes and anecdotes:

  • Headine from the “Should The NFL Prohibit Players From Appearing In Hotel Security Footage?”
  • Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: “On Jan. 26, Canada’s first event that combines curling and cannabis. And of course they’re calling it … a bongspiel.”
  • NFL Memes, on Facebook, after the Raiders signed mistake-prone QB Nathan Peterman: “Is it possible to drug-test an entire organization?”
  • Comedian Argus Hamilton, on the Blue Jays owing $38 million to recently released shortstop Troy Tulowitski: “Only Judge Judy gets paid more to sit on the bench.”
  • Comedy writer Jim Barach: “Major League Baseball has made a deal with Cuba to scout and sign players without them defecting. In other words, they can now make it to the Bigs by the draft instead of the raft.”
  • RJ Currie of “Clippers guard Patrick Beverley tossed the ball at a courtside heckler in Dallas, earning him a $25,000 fine from the NBA. Definitely not a free throw.” 
  • Patti Dawn Swansson, the River City Renegade, on Connor McDavid’s supporting cast with the Oilers: “It’s like watching a John Wayne duster with the Duke riding out to catch the bad guys, only he’s got Larry, Curly, Moe and Shemp for a posse.”
  • Currie again: “When Rockets star James Harden finally quits basketball, he might be the first retiree to spend less time travelling.”
  • Jim DeBow, via Twitter, on President Trump feeding the Clemson football team hamburgers and pizza during their White House visit: “He was going to get Taco Bell but found out that Mexico wouldn’t pay for it.”
  • Greg Cote of the Miami Herald on rumours that running back Le’Veon Bell might sign with the Dolphins: “The Dolphins and new personnel boss Chris Grier owe it to themselves to imagine it could be Miami for whom this Bell toils.”
  • Norman Chad of the Washington Post, on the Patriots’ QB: “(Tom) Brady is so unbeatable, when he had acne as a teenager, he sued Clearasil — and won.”
  • Comedy writer Brad Dickson: “Nebraska football has landed a four-star cornerback out of Hawaii.  I’m going to guess he doesn’t watch the Weather Channel.”
  • Dwight Perry again: “There’s rumblings out of L.A. that the Lakers are itching to swing a three-city trade to land Pelicans big man Anthony Davis. In return, the Lakers would send Lonzo Ball to New Orleans, and LaVar Ball to Flin Flon.”
  • From Mike McIntyre of the Winnipeg Free Press, on Twitter, quoting Jets’ coach Paul Maurice after a 5-2 loss in Montreal: “Coach was no good. Players were no good. Food was no good. I just hope the plane works.” 
  • Ryan Whitney on Twitter: “In a crazy sequence of events Matt Kuchar just picked up a quarter Jon Rahm was using to mark his golf ball. When asked to put it back Kuchar threw down a nickel and walked away.”
  • Headline at “Schnauzers rioting outside Madison Square Garden following Westminster Dog Show defeat.”
  • Another one from Barach: “Zion Williamson of Duke hurt his knee when his Nike shoe fell apart in a game. Somewhere in China there is a six-year-old who is in a whole lot of trouble.”
  • Colin Jost of Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update: “Bryce Harper has signed a 13-year, $330 million contract with the Philadelphia Phillies. Finally, answering the question, ‘How much would someone have to pay you to live in Philadelphia?’”
  • Janice Hough of “At 13 years for Bryce Harper contract, there are kids not even born in Philly who will be booing him someday.”
  • Brad Rock of the Deseret News: “Patriots owner Robert Kraft pleaded not guilty to charges of soliciting a prostitute. But he did plead guilty to wearing a coloured shirt with a white collar 30 years after they went out of style.”
  • Remembering the late, great sportswriter Dan Jenkins, on the Winter Olympics (without the expletive): “Cross-country skiing's not a sport, it’s how a (…) Swede goes to the 7-Eleven.”
  • Perry again: “Q: How do MLB apologists try to spin it when a player vanishes for half a season because of a marijuana suspension? A: Tommy Chong surgery.”
  • Broadcaster David Feherty, during NBC’s coverage of the Players Championship: “Tommy Fleetwood looks like a homeless guy who just robbed a Nike store.”
  • Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “In the NCAA tournament, 14th seed Yale lost to third seed LSU 79-74. After the game, LSU celebrated with barbecue while Yale went to their rooms and conjugated Latin verbs.”
  • Tim Hunter of Everett’s KRKO Radio, on baseball’s Atlantic League using computers to call balls and strikes this season: “Instead of yelling at umpires, managers will be told to call tech support.”
  • Argus Hamilton again: “If you receive an email with the subject line ‘Two free Lakers tickets,’ do not open it. It contains two free Lakers tickets.”
  • Norman Chad again, on increasingly unruly fans at sporting events: “If Vatican City were in New Jersey, the Pope likely would get heckled during Easter Mass.”
  • TC in B.C.,  on Donald Trump announcing he would award his buddy Tiger Woods with The Medal of Freedom for his comeback to win the Masters: “Tiger said he would reciprocate by giving Trump an autographed copy of the Nine Commandments.”
  • Another one from Dwight Perry: “Colts owner Jim Irsay forked over $718,750 to buy John Lennon’s famed piano. Hey, Jim, when the player-personnel people said they wanted Peppers, they meant Julius, not Sgt.”
  • Gene Collier of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, after word circulated that Kentucky Derby favourite Omaha Beach was scratched from the race due to a throat ailment: “He’s a little hoarse.”
  • RJ Currie again: “We are gathered today to note the passing of another Grand Slam curling season: Ashams to Ashams, brush to brush.”
  • Marty Burtwell, via Facebook, on the Rockets’ complaints about officiating in Game 1 against Golden State: “Out of habit, I am sure James Harden argues with the staff at Foot Locker.”
  • Sportsnet panelist Nick Kypreos, on a video of San Jose’s Joe Thornton getting hit by a puck in the …. uh, the worst place a man can get hit by a puck: “Joe knows that at this time of year, it’s all about the cup.”
  • Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun, on the downside of the Raptors playing the Bucks in the NBA Eastern Conference finals: “I’m going to have to learn how to spell Antetokounmpo on deadline.”
  • Janice Hough again, noting the arrest of former Indy 500 winner Al Unser, Jr., for driving while impaired in his Volkswagen Beetle: "What's more embarrassing? The DWI, or a former Indy winner driving a Beetle?"
  • Dwight Perry again: “Golf Digest is struggling to come up with advertisers. New in-house marketing slogan:  ‘Get out of the hole.’”
  • Reporter Dennis O’Donnell of the Bay Area’s KPIX-TV, after the Trail Blazers fan he was interviewing live predicted the Blazers — trailing in the series 3-0 — would beat the Warriors in seven games: “As you can see, cannabis is plentiful here in Portland.”
  • Comedy writer Jim Barach, after the NHL suspended the Blues’ Oskar Sundqvist for boarding the Bruins’ Matt Grzelcyk: “Apparently he hit him so hard he knocked the vowels out of both their names.”
  • Headline at “Giants Considering Anyone Who’s Ever Met Belichick For Head Coach”
  • Rob Merc, via Twitter, on news that Yankees shortstop Didi Gregorius, while sidelined after Tommy John surgery, taught himself to play the piano: “Maybe he accidentally had Elton John surgery.”

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The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author, and do not necessarily reflect the position of this publication.  

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