Skip to content

Ask your mirror

Dale "bushy" Bush writes about the latest in bathroom technology
Down on the Corner by Dale "bushy" Bush

Those stupid smart thingys are taking over the world, one gizmo at a time. I am too smart to embrace the trend to have a gadget perform simple tasks for me…or am I? 

Bidets r usArt by Dale "bushy" Bush
I forget what television program I was sleeping through but I emerged from my “meditation” to view a commercial for a voice activated bathroom mirror that could control the entire bathroom and its fixtures. I was not sure if I had seen the advertisement or if my brilliant imagination had conjured it up in my mind, so asked my bride, “Did you see that?” She simply snored her “meditation” response so I knew she did not see the commercial.

The commercial parodied the “Evil Queen” Disney character from Snow White and she commanded her mirror to perform various duties in her bathroom beginning with turning on the lights and ending with setting the shower temperature. A magic mirror in the lavatory has been dreamt about for centuries; I can understand how some folks could be so very busy that they need help turning on the tap in the shower while they are plucking out their eyebrows. The magic mirror cannot pluck eyebrows …yet!

Of course I dialed up the interwwweb and asked “him” about all these voice-activated gadgets that folks are using in their hectic lives. Even with my brilliant imagination, I could not envision what “he” showed me. As you are plucking your eyebrows or squeezing zits?  You can ask your mirror to warm your toilet seat to whatever temperature you desire. Butt I would be concerned about getting Fahrenheit and Celsius temperatures confused and ending up with burnt buttocks. It would give new meaning to that old Johnny Cash song verse, and you better hope you don’t fall down that “burning ring of fire” because it will...burn, burn, burn.

Once you have agreed with your mirror on how warm/cool your toilet seat will be, you can continue your day in ultimate comfort and if you are stuck for a crossword answer you can even ask your mirror for clues. Once “that” paper work is completed, you will need to continue the session ending paper work on you own, butt before that, you can ask your mirror to activate your bidet, again at whatever temperature is comfortable. The information available did not mention if you could personalize the bidet’s pressure, butt that is just my brilliant imagination at work. Gently please mirror! The rest of this job will be in your own hands because there is no apparatus that will wipe where the sun don’t shine…yet!

After instructing your mirror to flush the toilet, you can have it run your shower at whatever temperature you desire. If you want to have a dip instead, your faithful mirror will tell your tub at what depth and temperature you need your tub’s settings to be so you can be pampered. Mirror…please activate the Jacuzzi jets to “Vigorous” …aaaaaaah. When your dip is over, you will have to pull the plug yourself, but your bath towels can be pre-warmed by asking your devoted mirror for that service.

At what price does this convenience come? It is expensive, but I wonder about the unseen costs of having your mirror (and the interwwweb) know some very personal details about my life. I may have mentioned my brilliant imagination and I can only visualize the advertisements I will be subjected to once the interwwweb knows at what temperature I like my bidet to…you know…bidet. Ads like, “At Bidets-R-Us we guarantee satisfaction…in the end!”

Just let your brilliant imagination go wild and I am sure your smart mirror will be able to make your dreams come true…or it will know someone who can.