A shorts story

If you were to meet me for the first time you would immediately be impressed with my incredibly “rugged” good looks, my amazing intellect (four years of Grade 8), my well-groomed beard and probably most of all… my beautiful and athletic legs. I have been blessed with a pair of fine-looking man legs.

To be honest, I should wear a kilt year-round, but out of respect for my bride I keep my gams covered during most of the winter, which keeps the leg stalkers at bay…for a while. During the rest of the year I enjoy wearing shorts and I have learned to accept wolf whistles from my admiring public (men and women) as part of the leg blessing.

The first pair of short pants I can remember proudly wearing was when my Mom took a pair of pinking shears from her sewing basket and cut the legs off my favorite pair of jeans just below the back pockets. No muss, no fuss, and although I had asked her to patch the hole in the knee, I now had a pair of cut-offs that were in style. In a decade or two, this style of shorts would become hugely popular when Daisy Duke from the TV show, The Dukes of Hazzard. She would wear her cut-offs while washing the General Lee, the car star of the show… lucky General Lee.

I recall having to wear gym shorts in school, which was okay because they did enhance my athletic performance. Even at that young age, they showed off my well-developed legs, but(t) they were on the skimpy side and barely covered my tighty-whiteys, never-mind my behind. There were times when I prayed that those tighty-whiteys stayed tight so they kept everything in place…whew!

I have usually been able to wear shorts in most of my jobs and that produced some unusual leg suntan lines, with my calves becoming beautifully bronzed and suntanned while my thighs remained their natural white pasty alabaster colour. Having two-toned legs with bronzed calves and a white glow from the dark thighs is not a big problem until we go to the beach and I wear my Speedo or my thong. That is when folks will ask me to take the batteries out of my legs to make them less blindingly bright. At least I don’t have a trucker’s tan anymore, with the left forearm and the left side of my face tanned. It’s hard to then suntan in a way that evens out the entire body in one shade.

When shorts season arrives  — usually on the first sunshiny day of spring — I go through the annual ritual of discovering how much my belly has matured and grown. This is when some of my wardrobe will get dropped from the line-up and given to the thrift store for recycling. This also is an opportunity to add to my wardrobe from the thrift store.

Lately, I have a favorite style of shorts that are described as “cargo shorts.” The main feature of theses shorts are the many pockets on the front, back and both sides. With good planning, a guy can carry as much in his pockets as his wife can carry in her purse. I call things as they are, calling my cargo shorts “purse shorts.” I’m waiting for the day when someone invents the “cooler shorts” that will keep a few cans of beer ice cold…and convenient. 

I can dream can’t I?

It has been a few spring days of wearing shorts while getting the gardens and yard in shape. Already my legs are gaining colour, mostly from cuts, bruises and scrapes — and I couldn’t be happier. Happy Shorts Season!