Part Two of the best notes, quotes and anecdotes of 2019, from the months July through December:
- Brad Rock of the Deseret News: “OK, so the NBA champ is from Canada and the NHL champ from the U.S. What everyone really wants to know is who gets to claim curling?”
- Keith Olbermann of ESPN, on what to call the Tampa Bay Rays if they follow through on suggestions to play half their games in Montreal: “The ExRays.”
- Dan Falkenheim in si.com, on Vancouver signing 6-foot-5 defenceman Tyler Myers to a $30 million free-agent contract: “Myers makes the Canucks' defence taller, but not necessarily better.”
- From fark.com: “France is sweltering under a recored-breaking heat wave. Sounds like a good time to go for a 21-day, 2,100-mile bicycle ride.”
- Dwight Perry in the Seattle Times: “A Washington Nationals fan trying to catch a home-run ball had it bounce off the top of his noggin. That’s what he gets for wearing his lucky Jose Canseco jersey.”
- Austin Montgomery, on Twitter, on Philadelphia 76ers misspelling Jimmy Butler’s name (Buter) in a ‘good-bye-and-good-luck’ tweet: “They spelled it Jimmy Buter because he took the L with him to Miami.”
- Tim Hunter of KRKO Radio, after John Daly withdrew from the British Open, citing a spider bite: “Just in case you’re wondering, the spider is doing fine.”
- Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, via Twitter, on the Running of the Bulls: “Or as the bulls call it, ‘The Goring of the Drunk Idiots.’”
- Dwight Perry again: “Among the twosomes playing in the LPGA Tour’s Dow Great Lakes Invitational team event: Pajaree Anannarukarn and Pannarat Thanapolboonyaras. The Society of One-Column Headline Writers immediately filed a grievance.”
- Comedian Argus Hamilton, via Facebook, on studies indicating that the average human walks 900 miles a year and drinks 22 gallons of beer: “Which means the average human gets 41 miles per gallon. Not bad!”
- Someone named DLNewRoc, on Twitter: “If the Yankees don’t encourage individualism, how do you explain them letting CC Sabathia wear so many more pinstripes than the other players?”
- Headline in theonion.com: “NFLPA Warns Holdouts They Need To Consider The Risk That They’ll End Up Having To Sign With Jets”
- Alex Kaseberg again, on the U.S. women’s national soccer team playing Ireland: “So you’re either for us or a Guinness.”
- Patti Dawn Swansson, aka the River City Renegade: “(Mike) Reilly is the toughest dude QB in the CFL, but the Leos keep asking him to win a knife fight with a plastic straw.”
- Comedy writer Jim Barach: “Tennis pro Nick Kyrgios was fined $113,000 in Cincinnati for unsportsmanlike conduct, verbal abuse and audible obscenities. Meaning he got penalized for pulling the rare ‘Triple McEnroe.’”
- Adam McCalvy of MLB.com, after Adrian Houser threw up on the Miller Park mound for the second time this season: “Houser is a promising young hurler for the Brewers.”
- Janice Hough of leftcoastsportsbabe.com: “In Las Vegas, the most preseason Super Bowl bets are being placed on the Chicago Bears and Cleveland Browns. Yeah, there's a reason they've been able to afford to build all those amazing resorts.”
- Headline in theonion.com: “Derek Jeter Just Going To Go Ahead And Count Stray Cats In Marlins Attendance Figure”
- Vancouver comedian Torben Rolfsen, on the Packers-Raiders debacle in Winnipeg, on how to get even with Americans: “I think we should force an Argos-Lions game on them.”
- Headline at Fark.com: “Detroit Tigers manager Ron Gardenhire says he understands if he’s Gardenfired.”
- Late night funnyman Jimmy Kimmel, discussing ‘fake news’: "I'm hoping we get fake sports, too, because I want to see The Mets win the World Series.”
- Not funny, but statistically weird: In mid-September, Major League Baseball tweeted that Giants manager Bruce Bochy, who has been managing in the big leagues from 1995-2019, had a won-lost record of 1,995-2,019. We kid you not.
- Patti Dawn Swansson again, on Triple Crown winner Justify failing a drug test before the Kentucky Derby yet not being stopped from racing: “This was one case where the winning jockey, Mike Smith, really did have to get down off his high horse.”
- Comedy guy Brad Dickson: “I'm pretty sure an NFL team with a depleted quarterback situation would offer a contract to the late Ken Stabler before they'd sign Colin Kaepernick.”
- @Richie59FIFTY, on the Cowboys’ Wednesday waiving of former No. 1 draft pick Taco Charlton: “They should’ve released Taco Tuesday.”
- Two more from Kaseberg: 1. “Antonio Brown was cut by the New England Patriots. Brown claims he quit to spend more time with the voices in his head.” 2. “After Kansas City's win over Detroit, the Chiefs' coach, Andy Reid, said, ‘Not all of Mozart's paintings were perfect.’ Where does that dumb jock stereotype come from?”
- Jim Barach again: “Clayton Kershaw threw six pitches for the Dodgers in (their series-ending) loss. The first three for a strikeout, the next three for two home runs. In three pitches he went from the GOAT to the goat.”
- Alex Kaseberg again: “The Rams' Clay Matthews had to have his jaw wired shut. This is terrible. Why couldn't this have happened to Richard Sherman instead?”
- Norman Chad of the Washington Post, on Twitter: “Aaron Boone’s bullpen mantra: If you do poorly, I will take you out. If you do well, I will take you out. Aaron Boone would’ve pulled Michelangelo halfway through the Sistine Chapel ceiling job.”
- Michael Grey, via Twitter, on the offensively inept Broncos: “John Elway is a great example of why you should never trust a great pilot to build your plane.”
- Veteran kicker Adam Vinatieri to Indianapolis Colts’ team-mate: Eric Ebron after a great TD catch: “‘That was one of the top 25 catches I’ve seen.’ Responded Ebron: That means a lot since you’ve been playing 85 years.’”
- Another one from Jim Barach: “Patrick Beilein has resigned as basketball coach for Niagara University after only seven months. The sad part is they sent him off campus in a barrel.”
- Headline in the Houston Chronicle after Game 1 of the World Series: “Nats ding Cole.”
- Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel: “Kevin Durant told the Wall Street Journal that sometimes ‘he hates’ the business of the NBA. I don’t know about you, but I would love every aspect of any business that is going to pay me $40 million next season not to work.”
- Former MLBer Ron Fairly, who died recently at 81, channeling his inner Yogi Berra during his broadcasting days: “Last night I neglected to mention something that bears repeating.”
- Swansson again: “The only sure thing in sports is that TSN and Sportsnet will talk about Auston Matthews more than the Pope talks about Jesus.”
- Brad Dickson again, on an unnamed college football team being so sad that “the school fight song is by Sarah McLachlan.”
- Reader Michael Kolb, in a question to Norman Chad of the Washington Post: “With the accusations against the Houston Astros using video to steal signs in MLB, is that just now called a “belichick?”
- Saskatchewan sports fan Emily Kroeker, on Twitter: “Time traveller goes back to June, in Regina: ‘Guys, I have good news and bad news. Zach Collaros is going to win the Grey Cup.’”
- Vancouver’s Steve Burgess, on Twitter, following the Bombers’ Grey Cup win: “Crowds of fans are gathering at Portage and Main. But remember, if anybody sets any cars on fire it’s not a riot — they’re just trying to stay warm.”
- Headline in the onion.com: “Antonio Brown Proves He’s Changed Man By Breaking Into Robert Kraft’s House In Middle Of Night To Apologize”
Care to comment? Email brucepenton2003@yahoo.ca
