Almost certainly guaranteed to happen in 2024 (emphasis on the ‘almost’):
January — Canada’s best hope on the men’s side of the Australian Open tennis draw is Felix Auger-Aliassime, the 29th seed, but he’s unlikely to win. The closest a Canuck will come to a title is on the women’s side, where both Leylah Annie Fernandez and Bianca Andreescu are ranked in the top 45. Winners? Carlos Alcaraz of Spain and American Jessica Pegula.
February — It’s never wrong to pick the National Football League’s best quarterback as the reason his team wins the Super Bowl, so Lamar Jackson will lead the Baltimore Ravens to this year’s SB57 (LVII) title in Las Vegas.
March — Yes, there will be Madness on U.S. college basketball courts and no, a 16-seeded team will not beat a No. 1 this year.
April — The NHL regular season will come to a close and, astonishingly, both Sid the Kid and the Great 8, Alex Ovechkin, will be on the playoff sidelines.
May — With Mookie Betts batting in front of him, and Freddie Freeman following him in the batting order, Shohei Ohtani will have hit so many home runs for the Dodgers after 50 games that they’ll remove the ‘Hollywood’ sign atop Mt. Lee and replace it with a gigantic picture of the Japanese phenom.
June — Sadly, hockey season will come to an end with the Leafs failing once again to break their 56-year non-Cup curse. L.A. Kings will beat Boston Bruins in the Stanley Cup final.
July — In a pre-tournament promotion, Nick Taylor will be given 100 tries to replicate his historic 72-foot putt that won him the Canadian Open last year and he’ll finally sink it after try No. 87.
August — Canadian swimming star Summer McIntosh, who will turn 18 on Aug. 18, will dominate the women’s events at the Paris Olympics, coming home with more medals than any other Canadian swimmer other than Penny Oleksiak, who won seven in the 2016 and 2020 Games.
September — What’s in that Red Bull engine? With Max Verstappen winning 19 out of 22 races in 2023, there’s was about as much drama in a Formula 1 race as wondering whether the sun will rise each morning. Steps will be taken to reduce his team’s dominance, because fans will yawn and start tuning out.
October — Even though winning 127 games is no guarantee of a World Series title, Los Angeles Dodgers will breeze to the 2024 championship, proving that money may not buy happiness, but it will buy championships.
November — B.C. Place will be the site of the Grey Cup game Nov. 17, but the home team won’t be playing. Saskatchewan and its new head coach Cory Mace will nip the Alouettes in an overtime thriller.
December — Connor McDavid, Connor Bedard and Connor Hellebuyck will make headlines in the NHL, as will Kyle Connor, who wishes to be known as Connor Kyle to improve his chances of on-ice success.
- Comedy guy Steve Burgess of Vancouver: “Apparently it wasn't just about the $700 million. (Shohei) Ohtani was unhappy when the Jays explained their plan to always yank him in the fourth inning.”
- Hockey broadcaster John Shannon in pre-game chat when Connor Bedard met Connor McDavid in Edmonton for the first meeting between the two NHL superstars: “It’s 97 vs. 98 in a city made famous by 99.”
- Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “The third-string QB of the Giants, Tommy DeVito, who they call Tommy Cutlets, pulled an upset of the Packers. Remember how Peyton Manning used to yell ‘Omaha’ at the line of scrimmage? Tommy Cutlets yells ‘Badaboom badabing.’”
- Headline at fark.com, after the L.A. Chargers lost 63-21 to Las Vegas Raiders on Thursday Night Football in December and both coach and GM got fired: “Brandon Staley was so bad at his job last night he got his boss fired, too.”
- Steve Simmons: “Is Easton Stick a starting quarterback with the Los Angeles Chargers or is it in my garage, beside my frozen hockey bag?”
- Headline in the Beaverton, after free-agent Shohei Ohtani shunned the Blue Jays and signed with the Dodgers: “Inspiring: This man isn’t locked into a long, expensive contract with Rogers."
- Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “There was an earthquake in Southern California. It was pretty strong; at their practice it actually shook an L.A. Charger into the end zone.”
- Headline at fark.com: “The Dodgers have spent $1 billion on two players this offseason. Look for $60 beers and $40 hotdogs at the ballpark this year.”
- Vancouver comedy guy Torben Rolfsen, after Sweden defeated Canada 2-0 at the world junior hockey championship: “I thought the national anthem of Sweden was Dancing Queen.”
- RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “North Pole police have finally cleared Santa’s head elf of charges of careless use of a firearm. Authorities admit mistakes were made after finding a cartridge in a pear tree.”
- fark.com headline after Amari Cooper caught a team-record 236 yards passing against Houston Texans: “Texans placed Jimmie Ward on the IR, presumably from all the burns he received trying to cover Amari Cooper.”
Care to comment? Email brucepenton2003@yahoo.ca
