Playing the percentages in the world of sports in 2023:
— Tom Brady, the greatest quarterback ever in the National Football League, will announce his plans for the future: There’s only a 25-per-cent chance that will involve continuing to play, with a 75-per-cent likelihood of him accepting Fox Sports 10-year, $375 million offer to take his talents to the broadcast booth. Interceptions replaced by interlocution.
— Nathan Rourke, a quarterback with Canadian citizenship who starred for the B.C. Lions in 2022, has an 82-per-cent chance of playing at least temporarily for an NFL team, which will sign him to a fairly lucrative contract, and only an 18-per-cent chance of returning to play in the Canadian Football League.
— There’s 100-per-cent documentation that an opponent did indeed call the world’s best female soccer player, Canada’s Christine Sinclair, “an old hag,” but the soon-to-be 40-year-old still has what it takes to play on the world stage and has no retirement plans, for now anyway.
— There is a nine-per-cent chance of the Toronto Maple Leafs winning the Stanley Cup this year, but a 91-per-cent chance they won’t, extending that Cup-less streak to 56 years.
— Rory McIlroy has a 16-per-cent chance of winning the Masters for the first time, giving him the elusive career grand slam, but in a field of around 100 golfers, 16 per cent is pretty good.
— Ten months from now, multi-talented Shohei Ohtani will be a baseball free agent and there’s a 72-per-cent chance he will command a contract of at least $500 million, which is half a billion dollars, making Aaron Judge’s $360 million over nine years look like one of those rollback prices at Wal-Mart.
— Felix Auger-Aliassime, who has emerged as Canada’s strongest professional tennis player (No 6 in the world), has a 71-per-cent chance of winning one of the four Grand Slam tournaments, now that the Big 3 of Federer, Nadal and Djokovic are seeing their illustrious careers winding down.
— Brooke Henderson is only 25 years of age and has already won 12 times on the LPGA Tour, including two majors, so it’s a good bet, about a 68-per-cent lock, that she’ll be hoisting a trophy somewhere in the world in 2023.
— One hundred per cent of sports TV broadcasts in 2023 will be interrupted by at least one gambling-related commercial and an estimated 94 per cent of viewers will be annoyed.
— There’s a 100-per-cent chance that LeBron James has lost his title as the NBA’s best player, and a 62-per-cent chance that honour now goes to Luka Doncic. The other 38 per cent is split between Giannis Antetokounmpo, Steph Currie and Joel Embiid.
- Comedy writer Brad Dickson of Omaha: “The men's 100-metre dash record was broken today. The new record was set by me leaving a restaurant after being told there were no real menus and that I'd have to scan a QR code to order.”
- RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “It’s been said weather forecasting is a great job because you can be wrong most of the time and still get paid. Same goes for running the Houston Texans.”
- PGA Tour player Mackenzie Hughes, on Twitter: “This has been a tough decision to make, but after talking with my family and friends, I’ve decided to retire. The game has just beaten me up too much over the years. One day I may come back, but for now it’s time to say goodbye to fantasy football.
- Headline at fark.com, after Las Vegas Raiders benched quarterback Derek Carr for the last two games of the regular season: “Raiders putting Carr into storage in the hopes of preserving trade-in value”
- fark.com again: “Broncos fire Nathaniel Hackett. Guess he couldn’t”
- Comedy guy Torben Rolfsen of Vancouver: “Sabres at Blackhawks tickets for Jan. 17 are going for $6. The TV ratings will take a hit, too, when the only person with any interest in the outcome is Connor Bedard.”
- RJ Currie again: “Broncos linebacker Randy Gregory and Rams O-lineman Oday Aboushi were each suspended a game for trading punches on Sunday. Not only was it unsportsmanlike, it wasn't even Boxing Day.”
- Headline at theonion.com: “Mac Jones calls game ‘must win’ after Bill Belichick shows him picture of his family sleeping.”
- Observation by BP: “Toronto Maple Leafs were fined $250,000 for violating a Players’ Association rule by leaving for St. Louis Dec. 26. It put the NHL one ahead of the NBA in the category of travelling violations in 2022.”
- Phil Mushnick of the New York Post: “To assign ‘Hollerin’ Kevin Harlan an NFL game on CBS or Westwood One Radio, is like listening to a bingo caller on a cruise ship loaded with hard-of-hearing seniors.”
- Headline at theonion.com: “Out of shape streaker ashamed after cramp forces him to walk rest of way across football field.”
- Comedy writer Gary Bachman: “It’s college football’s bowl season. Today, the Weed Bowl will be followed by the Doritos Bowl.”
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The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author, and do not necessarily reflect the position of this publication.
