If it isn’t the scammy e-mails coming from someone purporting to be our phone service/internet provider, the next most annoying e-mails are those from sources unknown who have remedies for everything that might be wrong with our health.
The health concerns encompass the entire body, from revival of dead hair follicles to solving the pain of in-grown toenails and contagious toe fungus to tingling feet and legs and every body part in between, including fat bellies and drooping chests.
Some of the e-mails go so far as to mention bodily functions that have no business being discussed outside the privacy of the doctor’s office. Even the bears have more manners in their cleanliness discussions through use of a certain brand of tissue.
Usually I delete such annoying and uninvited messages but the other day one caught my eye and it had graphics that were intriguing without being creepy.
I was interested because it claimed that back pain and other ailments could be controlled or eliminated by simply lying on the floor with one’s feet on the wall. Of course the person in the photo was slim and looked agile. And young, soo, soo young. But I was not deterred even though I haven’t been slim in years and never was that agile. Where, indeed, is the photo of a short, rotund, senior citizen who surely needs back pain relief as much as or more than a younger counterpart?
But no such photos appeared so I let my eyes wander to all the reasons anyone with back pain should follow this plan for a cure. Such activity, the verbiage said, would straighten the spine, remove pressure from the lower lumbar area, drain lactic acids from the legs and reduce muscle soreness. In addition, headaches and their severity would be reduced and the body’s nervous system would be in top shape.
As I sat at the table envisioning where I might undertake this feet-on-wall escapade I decided the best spot would be right there, just before the stairs leading to the landing. There would be space there if some clutter were moved to another hoarding spot.
The instructions said to sit on the floor with one’s left side against a wall. Carefully then one was to lower one’s back to the floor and maybe put a rolled towel under the neck. Then slowly raise the legs and put both feet flat against the opposite wall. Hold that position for 10-15 minutes or for whatever time span is comfortable.
There were no instructions given for how one would get up off the floor if one is not slim, young and agile. Common sense told me at least my brain was agile enough to know participating in such an exercise would not turn out favourably for me.
I might be able to get down there on the floor and get my feet on the opposing wall but getting up after my minute or so of discomfort would be the Kodak moment. But with my agile brain, I knew I had picked that spot for a reason. I could butt move myself in the direction of the stairs and once close enough, could place my legs over the top stair and use the handrail to hoist myself up.
But then I figured I could be in trouble if I tumbled down the three stairs and blocked the doorway so Housemate could not enter. I imagine he would just keep trying his key, ringing the bell and pounding on the door until I managed to roll myself away out of range. He would shake his head in disbelief before asking if I had any serious injuries.
But to heck with feet on the wall. My back specialist has given me a partial push-up exercise to strengthen my back muscles. I can do it from the comfort of the middle of my bed, thus eliminating the possibility of falling off the mattress and hurting myself. As long as the springs don’t cave in and dump me off.
He merely grinned when I said I would be an Olympic contender the next time I visited his office.
Joyce Walter can be reached at ronjoy@sasktel.net
The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author, and do not necessarily reflect the position of this publication.
