Best of the best from 2022

The pick of the litter, the best of the best, the most humorous quotes, notes, quips and anecdotes from the first six months of 2022 (the last six months will appear next week):

• Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: “Seattle experienced its wettest fall in history, with 19 inches of rain between September and November. It got so bad, the Seahawks practiced swimming for a first down.”
• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, via Twitter, on the 6.2 earthquake hit off the Northern California coast: “To give you an idea how strong that is, a 6.2 earthquake could shake a New York Jet into the end zone.”
• Vic Tafur of the Athletic, on the Falcons’ quarterback: “Matt Ryan has somehow led the Falcons to seven wins this season, but he is slower than Heinz ketchup.”
• Gene Collier of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, on an overused hockey phrase: “Cycling Down Low . . . sounds like a problem in the lower digestive tract. You wanna go out? No, I just had some chalupas and I’m, uh, Cycling Down Low.”
• Blogger Patti Dawn Swansson: “The American Kennel Club has added two dogs to its roster. You know, kind of like what the Edmonton Oilers have been doing with their defence every year for the past 15 seasons.”
• Alex Kaseberg again: “The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have officially cut Antonio Brown. He was released and not put on waivers because even waivers did not want anything to do with him.”
• Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, on MLB’s need for robotic umpires to call balls and strikes: “Human umps were fine in the old days. So were phone booths and stage coaches.”
• Greg Cote of the Miami Herald, on the firing of Dolphins’ coach Brian Flores after two winning seasons: “Team owner Stephen Ross might as well have bought a billboard alongside Interstate 95 that depicts him wearing a big red Bozo nose and the word ‘INCOMPETENT’ stamped across his forehead.”
• RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “At the Australian Open it's been serve, volley, serve, volley, serve and volley. And that was just the Novak Djokovic COVID deportation case.”
• Bob Molinaro of pilotonline.com (Hampton, Va.): “Sitting in front of my TV the other night, I witnessed the basketball equivalent of a solar eclipse — an NBA player called for travelling.”
• Headline at the onion.com: “Lakers fans frustrated with volatile hot dog prices in Crypto.Com Arena”
• Hall of Fame linebacker Dick Butkus, who recently joined Twitter: “Fantasy football is what guys played after I hit them.”
• Janice Hough of leftcoastsportsbabe.com, on diva WR Antonio Brown still drawing NFL interest, apparently this time from Ravens QB Lamar Jackson: “It’s all part of the league’s strict superstar policy: ‘17 strikes and you’re out.’ ”
• Another one from Patti Dawn Swansson, on effort, or lack thereof, of Jets’ Mark Scheifele: “Too often Scheifele plays with the get-up-and-go of a guy sitting in an ice fishing hut at Lockport.”
• Jack Finarelli of sportscurmudgeon.com, on the new Commanders nickname: “It was nice touch for the team to name itself after President Biden’s dog.”
• Bob Molinaro again: “Cross country skiing isn’t a sport; it’s how Scandinavians go shopping.”
• Another one from RJ Currie, on the NCAA approving unlimited snacks for athletes: “Or as they call it in the CFL, playoff bonuses.”
• Surfer Kelly Slater, 50, to AP, not worried about any retirement plans: “Everyone who retires from surfing just goes surfing more.”
• Another one from RJ Currie: “At the Waste Management Open, Harry Higgs lifted up his shirt after a two-putt par to get a reaction from the crowd. Which showed us, among other things, that Higgs needs better waist management.”
• Comedy writer Marc Ragovin, on the Russian figure skater claiming she must have inadvertently taken her grandfather’s heart medication: “No wonder her long program consisted of skating in circles with her turn signal on.”
• Dwight Perry again: “A  cargo ship packed with luxury cars caught fire and was aimlessly adrift in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Sort of the nautical equivalent of the L.A. Lakers.”
• Alex Kaseberg: “The NFL became the first sports league to drop COVID protocols. There were never any protocols on the New York Jets' wide receivers because they can't catch anything.”
• Dwight Perry: “Falcons receiver Calvin Ridley has been suspended for the 2022 season for betting on NFL games. Evidently he didn’t get the express written consent of the NFL’s official betting partners, Caesars, DraftKings and FanDuel.”
• Headline at fark.com: “Russell Wilson succumbs to thin Colorado air in record time, says he hopes to ‘win three, four more Super Bowls’ for the Broncos.”
• Winnipeg Jets fan North End Rick, on Twitter, following the Jets’ 5-2 home-ice loss to Ottawa: “My dog got neutered today. I watched the entirety of that Jets/Senators game. It’s debatable, but my dog may have had a better day.”
• Nick Canepa of The San Diego Union-Tribune, on the Browns giving QB Deshaun Watson the thumbs-up despite 22 sexual-assault charges against him: “Seems Deshaun’s baggage got lost on its way to Cleveland.”
• Alex Kaseberg again, on word that Tiger Woods was planning to playing the Masters: “One word of advice, Tiger: Uber.”
• Patti Dawn Swansson, on Twitter, after an animal-rights activist tried to glue herself to the floor during an NBA play-in game in Minneapolis: “So, for those of you who’ve been wondering all these years, now you know why they call it Crazy Glue.”
• Tigers slugger Miguel Cabrera, on nearly reaching 3,000 hits in a game against the Yankees: “A scout from the Yankees told me, ‘If you make it, it’s going to be as a pitcher.’ He got fired.”
• Headline at fark.com: “NFL finds it is impossible to tell if the Cleveland Browns are tanking on purpose or if they are simply just being the Cleveland Browns.”
• Golf writer Eamon Lynch, on the upstart LIV Golf Tour: “Finally, a reason to root for the Saudis — they’ll take Sergio Garcia.”
• Comedy guy Steve Burgess of Vancouver, on goal announcements in the NHL playoffs: “Home team goals are announced like the discovery of insulin, and visiting team goals like the disclaimers at the end of anti-depressant commercials.”
• Alex Kaseberg again: "The New York Post reported Fox Sports will pay Tom Brady $375 mil over 10 years to be a broadcaster. Maybe this will be the break that finally turns things around for poor Tom Brady.”
• Another one from Dwight Perry: "Viking QB Kirk Cousins’ career record as an NFL starter is 59-59-2. Shouldn’t that make him the Minneapolis .500?”
• Dwight Perry again: “Kiara Thomas was arrested and charged with assault in Laurel, Mississippi, for punching an umpire at a 12-year-old girls softball game, WLBT-TV reported. The capper? In her mugshot, Thomas rocks a ‘Mother of the Year’ T-shirt.”
• Headline at TheBeaverton.com: “Sportsnet apologizes for interrupting gambling commercial with hockey.”
• Columnist Norman Chad, on Twitter: “Was in a Philadelphia supermarket on Saturday.Bumped into Joel Embiid in the produce aisle. Store manager called it a Flagrant 1 and awarded Embiid two free avocados.”
• Another Dwight Perry offering: “Border-hugging Aroostook Valley Country Club is a golf anomaly, with its   parking lot and pro shop in the U.S. (Maine) and its course and clubhouse in Canada (New Brunswick). Wouldn’t that make it a two-country club?”
• Alex Kaseberg again: “Aaron Rodgers’s new girlfriend identifies as a witch named Blu of Earth.  Has anyone checked to see if Rodgers's man bun is tied way too tight?”
• Dwight Perry: “A bad hop in a Happy Valley softball game in Encino, California, sent singer Nick Jonas to the emergency room. Where did it hit him? Let’s just say he suddenly went from the Jonas Brothers to The Sopranos.”
• Steve Simmons of SunMedia: “The Maple Leafs didn’t fire the president, the general manager, or the head coach after another first-round defeat but they did fire their goaltending instructor, Steve Briere. Which is a lot like blaming the first base coach for a bad baseball season.”Wrapping up with RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “The governing body for bobsleigh has approved teams of four being mixed-gender. It's believed most sleds will have one female pilot with three men telling her how to drive.”

Care to comment? Email brucepenton2003@yahoo.ca

The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author, and do not necessarily reflect the position of this publication.