Now that he’s officially a member of the Chicago Blackhawks after being chosen No. 1 in the NHL draft, Connor Bedard will be under more scrutiny than a paroled shoplifter at Walmart. So here’s some advice for the soon-to-be 18-year-old:
— Don’t get discouraged after finding out the NHL goaltenders aren’t fooled as easily as the kids he faced in junior hockey.
— Don’t allow too much of his spare time to be eaten up by commercial enterprises that want to use his name, image and likeness for product endorsement.
— Be cautious around gorgeous gold-digging females, who will only be after him for his money.
— Be nice to members of the media, just because they’re probably really nice people.
— Avoid getting too big-headed when he sees his face emblazoned in lights on the side of the Sears Tower.
— Be careful about getting a sore arm from throwing out the ceremonial first pitch at Cubs and White Sox games on back-to-back days.
— Consider keeping his hair at a decent length so he’ll always be ready for Great Clips commercials
— Be wary of those reprobates in Edmonton who will be stuffing the ballot box in the vote for ‘NHL’s Best Connor’
— Lie if he has to — and he’ll have to, because he has never in his life eaten fast food — but tell Chicagoans how much he loves Chicago-style deep dish pizza.
— Do not antagonize Chicago citizens by mispronouncing ‘the Bears’. It’s ‘Da Bears.’
— Don’t worry about living up to expectations in his rookie year. Like, if he doesn't hit his sweater number in goals (98), there’s always next year.
— Never forget to tell people how much he admired Richard Daley, even though he might have to check Wikipedia to find out who Richard Daley was.
— Don’t become buddies with Chicago’s most famous athlete, Michael Jordan, because he’s likely to take him for a financial ride on the golf course.
— Do not skip hockey practice and slack off downtown just because a neighbour said it was the 37th anniversary of the release of the Chicago-based movie ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.”
— Avoid telling the media that he doesn’t like windy days.
— Don’t try too hard in practice to avoid ruining the confidence of the Blackhawk goalies.
— Maintain his humility when he’s voted the most wholesome and nicest player in the NHL.
— Laugh at the jokes people make about him being able to skate on water, whether it’s frozen or not.
- RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “ABC news reported a pair of bald eagles with twin hatchlings were nesting above an Arizona golf course. If you’re scoring at home, that’s a double eagle on top of two birdies.”
- Steve Simmons of Sunmedia: “With signings of Corey Perry, Nick Foligno, and the deal for Taylor Hall, the Blackhawks are apparently surrounding (Connor) Bedard with the 2015 NHL all-star team.”
- Comedy writer Gary Bachman: “Tuesday, July 11 is the MLB All-Star game or as Mets players call it — a day at the beach.”
- Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel: “Nothing says the Fourth of July in today’s America like Joey ‘Jaws’ Chestnut winning the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. After all, as our founding fathers said in the Declaration of Independence, ‘All men are endowed with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of gorging ourselves on processed animal parts.’”
- Jack Finarelli at his website sportscurmudgeon.com, on a proposed NBA in-season tournament helping to spike interest in the playoffs: “Hey, it could happen — just as it could happen that next year’s Kentucky Derby winner will be a latter-day Mr. Ed and give his own interviews after the race.”
- Finarelli again, after referencing the 16-inning 1963 MLB game in which Juan Marichal of the Giants threw 227 pitches and the Braves’ Warren Spahn threw 201 as both went the distance: “A pitching coach somewhere just felt a twinge in his elbow simply because I typed that information.”
- A groaner from RJ Currie of sportsdeke.com: “A recent workspace disagreement between two German circus families escalated into a melee with stick swinging, fisticuffs and finally shots being fired. Police at the time said it was like a hockey brawl, but more in tents.”
- Headline at fark.com: “Good idea: Livening up the ballpark with events like a dog night or a fireworks show. Bad idea: Livening up the ballpark with a dog night and fireworks show on the same night.”
- Another one from fark.com: “Wimbledon dismayed to find its prayer rooms are being used by patrons to score love-love.”
- Steve Simmons again, quoting the late sports columnist Jim Hunt, who posed a question to Argos QB Chuck Ealey, a religious man, after he threw five or six interceptions. Ealey explained it by saying it was ‘God’s will.’ Without missing a beat, Hunt from the back of the pack, said: “Can’t God read defences either?”
Care to comment? Email brucepenton2003@yahoo.ca
The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author, and do not necessarily reflect the position of this publication.
