Music and the holiday season go hand in hand. Unfortunately, not all Christmas songs are created equal. Complicating matters is that seemingly everyone has recorded a Christmas album at one point or another, including such diverse acts as Kenny G, Snoop Dogg, Celine Dion, New Kids on the Block, Johnny Cash, and even William Shatner. Returns on these albums are mixed, meaning there are lots of bad versions of good Christmas songs.
The worst thing about terrible Christmas songs? They still get played. Plenty.
This week, we are looking at five Christmas songs that, unfortunately, are hard to escape during the holidays. We will stick to more “traditional” or well-known Christmas songs (as opposed to, say, something like Mistletoe by Justin Bieber, which is indeed awful). We will just avoid the whole Baby It’s Cold Outside thing all together.
Don’t worry — this is all in good fun.
The 12 Days of Christmas
Here’s the thing: I love this song. I think it is great. Unfortunately, it is also WAY too long. Getting through the whole thing is a chore. It’s a fun song to listen to for a few minutes, but by the time you get to eight maids a-milking, you are ready for it to be over. No such luck, though. Like the Energizer Bunny, it keeps going, and going, and going…
All I Want for Christmas is You by Mariah Carey
This is another song that is a lot of fun. Who among us has not rocked out to this at least once during the Christmas season? Unfortunately, this song is a victim of being overplayed during the holidays. I am almost certain it is impossible to get through Christmas without hearing this at least once. I know I’ve already failed this year — several times over. I’ve heard it blaring in stores, I’ve encountered it on the radio, I’ve heard cover versions, it’s been featured in commercials…it never ends. Here is hoping someone comes out with a new song sometime soon.
A British poll recently ranked it as the worst Christmas song of all time, so it’s just not me.
Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney
Look, I love Paul McCartney. The Beatles were amazing. Sadly, you hardly get a sense of Sir Paul’s songwriting ability listening to this. Why does the kids choir sing “ding dong, ding dong” like they are a bunch of bells? Why not just play bells? Why bring kids into this at all?
Honestly, it feels like a joke, a dare, a synthesizer demo reel, or at least some sort of contractual obligation. All I know is it is really annoying. Even cover versions are terrible. The worst part is that some estimate that McCartney makes around $400,000 in royalties each year.
We Wish You a Merry Christmas
There’s nothing inherently wrong with this song, except it…kind of goes nowhere. It is repetitive and flat. Honestly, there are just so may other Christmas songs that are superior to this one; I would rather shout out “like Pinocchio!” to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, wonder who Parson Brown was, or rock around the Christmas tree. I might even prefer Dominic the Donkey.
I still don’t know what figgy pudding is but I would gladly hand it over if it meant the song would end earlier.
The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late) by Ross Bagdasarian Jr.
You either you like The Chipmunks or you can’t stand them. Regardless, this song starts to grate on your nerves as it goes on. By the second time you’ve heard Dave shout “ALVIN!” you will find yourself dreaming of a simpler time before anthropomorphic singing rodents became a thing. At least, mercifully, they do not sing the verse again, despite the chipmunks’ desire to do so.
Released in 1958, this was the song that introduced us to The Chipmunks, so I guess you can thank this song for all those terrible movies. It was recorded as a novelty song, yet it managed to hit number one on the charts — no, seriously — and even won three Grammys (which just shows the Grammys have never been respectable). Hey, The Monster Mash didn’t get a Grammy!
Hmm…a novelty song that was way too popular? I guess we can all be thankful there isn’t a Christmas version of Baby Shark. Wait, there is? This is truly the darkest timeline.
Whether you like these songs or hate them, here’s hoping you have a great holiday season!
The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author, and do not necessarily reflect the position of this publication.
